Monthly Archives: April 2013

Life sure gets in the way of living!


I’m just sayin’, is all…I recently came out of my life-induced coma and decided to post something! Being of a certain age, and due to my sister perishing from colon cancer at a much-too-early age, I am supposed to get regular Colonoscopies. I had one about a month ago, after whining and procrastinating forever…and DsquareD took the day off to be my designated driver and caretaker. After I checked in at the Gastroenterology clinic, we were escorted to an examining type room where a 20-something nurse took my vitals and started an IV. She rolled in a small machine, which prompted DsquareD to squeal with delight: “Look! It’s the machine that goes Bing!”… For those of you who slept through the 80’s, this is a Monty Python “Meaning of Life” reference, (as in “Here comes the hospital administrator. Quick! Get the machine that goes “Bing”!).

Well, this went completely over the head of our child nurse, which disappointed DsquareD no end (he hates it when his jokes are wasted), so of course he then felt compelled to explain it, so that he wouldn’t look like a complete lunatic. A little while later, another nurse came in to check up on the youngish nurse and this second nurse was about our age. She looked at the screen of the machine (that goes Bing) and tilted her head and said to the younger nurse “This screen is crooked…did your mother drop you on your head when you were little?” and we knew then and there that we had met a gal who would get our humor! She knew all about the machine that goes Bing and she also regaled us with a humorous story from her early nursing days about a doctor whose last name is Fuchs (it’s pronounced Few-cks, but of course she didn’t know that when she was new and…well, you can probably guess the rest).

The remainder of my colonoscopy went uneventfully and suffice it to say that I am not going to die of colon-related diseases anytime soon. But then Dsquared, never one to be outdone, decided that since our health insurance deductible was now met (thanks to my colonoscopy) and since he is newly 50 years old, he ought to try out the whole colonoscopy thing to see if he could one-up me. The job of setting this whole thing up, of course, fell to me, so I just picked the same doctor and clinic.

The day of DsquareD’s colonoscopy dawned and it was now MY turn to be HIS designated driver and caretaker. We knew we were in for a fun time when in walked our hilarious nurse friend from before…She was full of one-liners right up until they wheeled DsquareD away from me and gave me a pager to carry into the waiting area. This is only the second time that I have personally witnessed DsquareD coming out from under the effects of general anesthesia and the first time was many years ago, but I vaguely remembered that his speech upon waking up was peppered with inappropriate comments (I think he may have proposed to one of the nurses or something like that).

Well, I tell you what! I wish I had had a voice recorder handy for what happened after they paged me back to recovery. Dsquared was sleeping soundly, curled on his side and wrapped in a blanket. He looked so sweet and vulnerable! I sat there for awhile and pretty soon a nurse came over to wake him by telling him that he was all done and it was time to wake up. He initially had the reaction that most people have, stating that he couldn’t possibly be done…they hadn’t even started yet. So I said to him “It’s true, honey, you’re all done”.  He then mumbled  ” Done already? No wonder my butt itches!”. I tried not to laugh as I said “Would you like me to scratch it?”, to which he replied “No, that’s okay. You would use a toilet brush”, and promptly fell back to sleep. Well, for the next half hour or so, I was typing on my iPhone so fast and furiously, trying not to lose a single comment, that the staff probably thought I didn’t care about my husband. You can’t make up material this good!

When he woke again a little later, he commented “It feels like someone shoved a bowling ball up my ass!” and then asked “So how did it go? Did they find the Black Forest of polyps up there?”.  When the nurse asked him if he wanted something to drink, he answered “Three fingers of Jack Daniels, or better yet, Vodka”, which is hilarious because he doesn’t drink. The nurse was trying not to laugh also as she told him “Sorry, the last guy got all the Jack Daniels”.  As I was holding the straw and helping him drink some Pepsi, he again marveled that he didn’t remember going under. I asked him”Did they have you count ceiling tiles to fall asleep?”, which is what they had done with me the month prior. But he said “No. They made me shovel gravel. I had to go up and down the street and fill in all the potholes.” Then he said “Why did they keep talking about embalming fluid when I was in there?”  He then acted like he was being murdered when they pulled some hair off his arm removing the tape from the IV.

When the doctor came in to talk to him and release him, DsquareD said to him…”Let’s do this again, doc…only next time let’s go fishing. I’ll bring the beer!”. The poor doctor (who I don’t think has a sense of humor) sidled out of the room as if he was afraid for his life.

When I showed all my iPhone text of his diatribe to DsquareD, he didn’t remember saying any of it, but he laughed pretty good.

Well, next time I will get back on track with home remodeling posting and pics!